Monday, May 24, 2010

Guest Column: To Moon or Not To Moon? That is the question

A startling trend has started to gain speed in the wolf t-shirt world, wolf t-shirts without a moon.

I am a reasonable man, but come on a wolf t-shirt with no moon?! What's next, club shirts without giant air-brushed anime characters?

I could go on and on all day about how stupid moonless wolf t-shirts are, but I think it is a better use of all of our time if I would present my thesis on why wolf t-shirts with moons are vastly superior to those without moons.

I will break down my argument into three areas.
  1. Demeanor of the subjects
  2. Wearability of the garment
  3. Owners of the shirts
Before I being it should be known that while I will not actually site any research on this subject, that I could if I had wanted too. There really is no point because this is such a one-sided argument. It's like having a discussion on what is better a bacon cheese burger or a regular cheese burger. No one (outside of maybe a French dude) would even bother talking about this. Now if you are saying, 'You didn't say which one is better,' then you, my friend, need to stop reading this right now.

1. Demeanor of the subjects: For the laymen out there this means how cool are the wolves on the t-shirt in question. I could spend all day writing a bunch of of fancy words, but this is America and we have pictures and they are worth a thousand wards (incase that isn't a enough I have added captions).

Wolf T-shirts with Moon

Exhibit A:

Look at this bad mama-jama. He is like 'What's up, I'm just gonna chill here for a while...and did I mention that I frickin' glow!'

Exhibit B:

Look at these dudes. They are like 'Yeah I am standing on a rock, a bitchin' rock!

Exhibit C:

Moon t-shirts wolves have mad game. This guy is all like 'Mmmm baby your hair smells so nice, almost as nice as that moose carcass I was rolling in last week.' All I'm saying is someone ain't calling her for breakfast, no that smooth operator is nudgin' her.

Moon-less Wolf T-shirts
Exhibit D:

Please these tools are all like 'What do you wanna do tonight?' 'I don't know why don't we just stand here like a couple of assholes?'

Exhibit E:

Yup, you are seeing that right. These two turds are smelling that other turd's fart.

Exhibit F:

No doubt, this boners favorite books is Twilight, and it's not because there are werewolves in the book. He's just sad that there aren't any more books in the series. Sissy.

So there we have it, wolves on moon t-shirts are awesome. Wolves on moon-less t-shirts smell farts and read girl books.

Moon - 1
Moon-less - 0

2. Wearability of the Garment:

Would you wear this? I feel silly even asking such a question. Of course you would. Everyone would.

Would you wear this? Of course not. If i even saw someone in this shirt I would slap them, then I would slap their get the point.

No contest, moon t-shirts in a walk.
Moon - 2
Moon-less - 0

3. Owners of the Shirts: Wearers of Moon T-shirts v. Wearers of Moon-less T-shirts

I used a high-tech super computer (and by that I mean my mind) to run a program that determines the typical individual who would wear the collected wolf t-shirts with a moon and the moon-less t-shirts used in this study. Here are the results.

Wolf t-shirts with Moons:

Moon-less Wolf T-shirts:

No contest.

Final Score:
Moon: 3
Moon-less: 0

1 comment:

  1. Such an excellent post. Flawless logic. I'm upset to learn about this no moon phenomenon and eager to spread the word of its danger. Thank you, kind sir (or madam) for your work in bringing awareness to this frightening trend.